COMPARISON.
If I had a dollar for all the times I’ve sized myself up against other women’s bodies, I would be writing this blog from my private jet on my way to one of my eight holiday mansions. But I’m happy to say that instead of being rich, I now have a positive relationship with my body where I don’t constantly feel a change in my self-esteem based on the looks of others.
Funnily enough, instead of checking out guys like my friends did, I would always just look at women! Comparing myself to them would either motivate me to lose weight or reassure me that ‘at least I don’t look like that’. (Awful, I know). But when you have a such a strong connection between your looks and your self worth, it’s easy to become obsessed with how your body fares in comparison to, well, everyone.
It was exhausting, and there was no winning. I would either be jealous and embarrassed about my body if I wasn’t as thin as the woman I was looking at, or I was feeling self-righteous and proud of my unhealthy eating practises, fuelling my desire to work harder to keep getting that feeling over and over. And this was all before the introduction of social media! It's heartbreaking to know the body image damage currently being caused even from the comfort of ones own home. At our fingertips, we can now compare ourselves to the bodies of men and women all around the world, 24/7.
In a study focusing on the impact of social media on body satisfaction, it was found (not surprisingly) that comparison to idealised body types on Instagram that were perceived to be superior in appearance, lead to greater weight and appearance dissatisfaction and lowered confidence. The results suggest that once women compared the size and appearance of their body to idealised others, women perceive their own bodies to be inferior.
I’ve since learned that what I used to experience (and what millions of men and women experience who are stuck in the cycle of poor body image and dieting) is called “contingent self-esteem”. Contingent self-esteem relies on external factors, whereas true self-esteem comes from within ourselves. The concept of contingent self-esteem refers to how you view yourself in relation to others; specifically, how you view your self-worth based on what others think. It makes you feel on guard, constantly feeling the need to defend yourself against criticism and negative judgement.
To have true, internal self-esteem, you’re comfortable with who you are and how others see you. You know that your value as a person is based on more than your appearance. But before you get stuck in a binary thought process of people only exhibiting one or the other, our self-esteem exists along a continuum, and is also dynamic in nature. Some may have a stronger contingent self-esteem in areas like body image, but a stronger true self-esteem in their job capabilities.
If you believe that comparing yourself to others is something that’s ingrained in you and out of your control, biologically speaking, you’re technically correct. We all have ‘mirror neurons’ in our brain that help us learn by mimicking others. Women also tend to have more mirror neurons than men, making us more inclined to pay attention to others for our own sense of belonging and ‘survival’.
In a study of 180 men and women, similarities and differences in women’s and men’s comparison tendencies were examined when evaluating their face and body shape, as well as how these tendencies and beliefs relate to their body esteem. As predicted, women were more likely than men to compare their face and bodies to other same-sex persons whom they perceived as having either similar or better physical qualities than themselves in those body domains. Women relied on self-critical social comparison strategies associated with negative body esteem, and body comparison was suggested as a safety behaviour for women with disordered eating.
Thankfully, we aren’t doomed for a life of body dissatisfaction. The good news is, contingent self-esteem can be changed. There are several actions you can take to help remove yourself from the comparison game. In the context of body image comparisons, here are just a few simple strategies to help get you started.
· Unfollow any social media accounts that make you feel triggered with poor body image, or make you compare yourself to them
· When you notice that you have compared your body to someone else’s take notice of the thought without judging yourself for it. Observe the feeling and thought without telling yourself that you ‘shouldn’t’. Guilt is not helpful for meaningful change.
· Stay objective in your observations and remember this is a PRACTICE. You are rewiring your brain to remove connections you have made over many years between other women’s appearance and your own worth.
· Once you have observed your comparison, attempt to stop the thought process from continuing by reminding yourself that their appearance has nothing to do with your own body, or more importantly, your perception of your own body. You might say to yourself ‘Good for her. It’s not a competition. Her body has no effect on mine.’
· Practise speaking kindly to yourself. Whether you believe yourself yet or not is irrelevant. Immediately say something kind about your own body as if you were talking to a good friend. When you speak kindly, ensure you are not bringing someone else down in the process ie ‘My legs look better than hers’ – This keeps you in the comparison game and is just as unhelpful as making negative comparisons about your body.
· Embrace imperfections. Body acceptance is knowing that your body is not perfect (there is no such thing) and choosing to love it as it is. Tell yourself that your body is worthy of love and respect NOW. Remember, there is a little child still in all of us that needs to be fully accepted and loved, so speak to that little child in you when doing this practice.
· Put into practise the daily actions and habits that will make you proud of the person you are and the way you’re taking care of your health. Your body will do what it needs based on how it’s being looked after, so you don’t need to manipulate it. Rather, invest that energy into supporting your positive body image and your positive relationship with food. When you are being consistent with these acts of self love and respect, you’ll find that you become less concerned with the outward appearance, and more at peace with who you are, thus encouraging a stronger ‘true’ self esteem.
Over time, and with consistency, you will notice that the connection between other women’s’ bodies, and your own worth is reduced. You may of course still notice the body shapes of others, but it won’t be as strongly associated with your self-esteem. You’ll become more objective about your observations of others, and eventually you just won’t be as interested in looking at all the people around you to make judgements about them, or yourself.
I can tell you from personal experience that it is so freeing to be able to be out in society and not weighed down merely from looking at other people. I know I’m not the only one that has experienced this, (though at the time I truly thought I was the only one). So I write this for anyone who is still stuck comparing their bodies to others, and having their joy robbed from them in the process. You are not your body. That beautiful, thin woman is not her body. You are both strong, kind, interesting, fun, intelligent, and most importantly, worthy.
Alyssa
Reference: Exploring Body Comparison Tendencies: https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0361684311427028
Young women’s body image following upwards comparison to Instagram models: The role of physical appearance perfectionism and cognitive emotion regulation https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S1740144521000462